It’s official – 2014 is the Year of the Cougar!
So it’s finally out with 2013, and venturing in the new world of 2014. Setting a new years resolution is about as useful as staking your years wages on England bringing home the bacon in this years World Cup – both have as much chance of succeeding, although your new years resolution to eating less crap, exercising more and starting the next Facebook has slightly better odds. But a new years resolution is important. It’s about hope, about making life that little bit better.
I remember a story I was told in confidence (so keep between us please) about a lad, we’ll call him Malcolm. Now Malcolm was a typical early 20s geek. His tinkering around with his hard drive in the middle of the night, grasping his soldiering iron whilst watching Get Stuffed in the very early hours of Saturday morning on ITV (please tell me someone else remembers that – it was legendary) paid off. It meant he could use all his years of self-teaching, learning and understanding of computers to use the internet for its greatest power……finding women.
He found a chatroom and managed to start online chatting with an array of older women. To Malcolm it was amazing, he was actually talking to real women, and not just the ones found on the other end of a 0891 line. He made connections, friends – Malcolm was the player of the online chatrooms. How cool he was, and he knew it.
Pleasuring his conquests with the power of his touch typing skills he sent sensuality across the web, his mouse in one hand and a mars bar in the other. He paraded like a power hungry lion looking for his next pair of lionesses. Then, and we’ll call her Liz, came along. They chatted online, they laughed and made a couple of sizzling phone call to each other. Then Liz suggested to Malcolm they meet up for the night. After an hour or so, when the adrenaline wore off and Malcolm’s hands stopped shaking long enough for him to begin typing again, he replied ‘Cool!’. Liz suggested she may even bring a friend. Malcolm had to clean himself up a bit after that, but kept a level head and replied ‘Cool!’
The evening came and on his way to the hotel Malcolm was shaking so much he resembled a blancmange on a washing machine. The closer the hotel door came the less feeling he had in his legs. For the last few feet he resembled a boxer just caught with a Tyson uppercut, and had visions of the referee running to his corner shouting ‘his legs have gone, he’s done’. Just as he was about to hit the canvas Malcolm took an exit to the nearest coffee shop to settle his nerves with an espresso. Six espresso’s later, and dark spots in front of his eyes, he tried again. This time stumbled outside the coffee shop, fell over a loose paving slab and cut the right side of his face. With as much dignity as he could muster he jumped on the 73 bus and went home.
So the moral of the story is this is two-fold:
- If a man like Malcolm can find a cougar online who desperately wants to meet up in a hotel and suggests a threesome, think what you can achieve;
- This is not 1999 and finding an older woman is much easier – and if a women suggests she bring a friend just make sure it’s not a 6 foot 5 inch bench pressing chap named Bruce;
So whilst the world keeps turning, and 2014 is here for 365 days, make sure you use your days and nights wisely. 2014 is the year of the cougar for a reason, go explore the seasons young man.
Stay safe, have fun and be cool!
…..and for those who do (or don’t) remember Get Stuffed, here’s a little trip down memory lane for you